Email from My Step-Mother, June 29, 2004

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Your dad and I didn’t expect you to split… we were both surprised.  Yes, before marriage couples should be fully committed, because marriage, although wonderful, is a lot of hard work.  It is not easy to know just when to give in and when to fight for what one feels is important.  It is a constant learning experience.  Your father keeps surprising me.  Sometimes I discover he is more wonderful than I realized and sometimes I discover he is worse than I realized.  I’m sure it must be the same for him.  We keep learning about one another.  But no matter how much we anger one another, we stay in love… thank God.  I hope that never fails us.  And I hope you and Kevin are able to marry some day if that is what you truly want. 

Love, Raye


From: Gina L. Turcotte [mailto:]
Sent: Tuesday, June 29, 2004 9:09 AM
To: Turcotte, Raye
Subject: RE: :-(

Just a note:

Although Kevin and I are not a “couple” anymore, we are maintaining our friendship while we decide what type of relationship, if any, we are going to have. Essentially, this means that we are still spending time together and he may still join me at T’s for Grammy’s birthday party. I just wanted to let you and Dad know so you won’t be too surprised if he shows up with me on the 11th. Please ask Dad not to divulge too much information to the family about the status of my relationship with Kevin – I don’t feel like explaining myself to everybody. It’s awkward enough as it is… Kevin and I are just trying to figure out which road is the “right” road for us and our future together. 

I am curious about one thing, though… Maybe you can shed some light for me… 

Why is it that people are so quick to expect a couple to split up when a “legal” marriage has not yet occurred? Do they not consider that a marriage may already have happened in the hearts and souls of the couple, regardless of the legal contract? Doesn’t God expect that the couple be “married” in their hearts before they make it legal? If so, then how can people expect that Kevin and I break up so easily just because we haven’t had it sanctioned by the state? Kevin and I have conversations that clarify for each of us the depth of our love and the value of our devotion to each other. We both understand FULLY that we must change the nature of our relationship because of its inherent “unhealthiness” but we are flabbergasted by people’s expectations that we sever ties with each other simply because one of us acts inappropriately. 

Kevin and I have surmised that those people who expect us to sever ties with each other are people who don’t understand the TRUE nature of LOVE and what it means to love someone FOREVER. Marriage means persevering in the relationship, and NEVER giving up, regardless of the obstacles placed in our way. Marriage also means that each person in the relationship has a RESPONSIBILITY for their individual betterment that will essentially enhance the nature and strength of the relationship as a whole. The “marriage” doesn’t exist when one person or the other does not commit to their individual betterment, which essentially stalls the growth of the couple. 

God has continued to place obstacles in our path that we have worked diligently to overcome… So far we have been successful in navigating those obstacles. We are still together and love each other much more now that we have overcome adversity and we are hell-bent on continuing with our quest. Unfortunately, that quest may lead us down the path of separateness, for the time being. We don’t know what the future holds for us but we are trying to make the decision God is directing us toward. 

Something quite interesting happened yesterday that told me, once again, that God is watching and guiding this decision of Kevin’s and mine… The Reverend that was supposed to marry us in NYC called me yesterday and asked if Kevin and I were ok. He offered his therapeutic expertise (he has a PhD in counseling as well as being a multi-faith minister) and he offered to counsel Kevin and me during this time in our lives. The Reverend’s phone call was a sign from God because I have been talking about finding a “spiritual counselor” for a few weeks now and then BAM, the Reverend calls out of the blue. It makes me shake my head and raise my eyebrows… The Reverend has no commitment or obligation to us… but he called with genuine concern and an offer to help. 

So, Raye… What about it? Isn’t marriage supposed to exist in the hearts of the couple prior to a legal contract? If so, how do people expect that the couple can separate if they are truly COMMITTED and MARRIED to the other?? I just don’t get it. Maybe you can help… 

Love, 

Me 

-----Original Message-----
From: Turcotte, Raye [mailto:]
Sent: Monday, June 28, 2004 9:07 AM
To:
Subject: RE: :-( 

Dear Gina, I am so proud of you and Kevin.  Sometimes it is hard to face the fact that round blocks won’t fit in square holes.  I know this is going to hurt, but just until a suitable man comes along for you and Jenna.  Then you will be rewarded for having the strength to leave a destined-to-fail relationship.    You and Jenna have a lot of offer some sweet lonely man who wants a ready-made family. 

Keep in touch with your dad and me.  And Keep your head up.  You have done the right thing. 

Love, Raye 


From: Gina L. Turcotte [mailto:]
Sent: Sunday, June 27, 2004 10:29 PM
To: Turcotte, Raye
Subject: RE: :-( 

I couldn’t have said it any better. 

I assume Dad told you that Kevin and I didn’t get married. Essentially, I kept hearing your voice in my head in NYC… “Can you live with him exactly how he is today?” My answer was always the same – NO… I couldn’t marry Kevin and ultimately give him permission to treat me disrespectfully as he has done in the past, and still does currently, at times. Although he has made incredible changes in the way he relates to the world, and me, he still “isn’t there” yet… I knew that if I married him I had to expect that he wouldn’t change anymore and I couldn’t live with that fact. 

So, here I am, in this world all by myself again trying to navigate where I’m going. As of today, Sunday, June 27, 2004, Kevin and I are no longer a “couple”. We have decided to split up and live separate lives, ultimately so I can become the person both Kevin and I want me to become. I want you and Dad both to know that Kevin was the driving force in this separation because he is ashamed of how he has treated me, and he feels so strongly that I deserve better than that. He knows he has continuing issues that need to be resolved and he would prefer to protect me from any future adversities while he’s doing that work. 

I pray that you and Dad respect Kevin’s genuine desire to do what’s best for me by giving me up – the best thing that ever happened to him. This hurts so bad… Not only have we given up the one person we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with, but we have also given up our best friend and confidante, simply because we love me and my daughter more… 

So that’s my life how it now stands… Sucks pretty bad… But I’ll survive, as I have always done, but not without many battle scars… 

Love, 

Gina 

-----Original Message-----
From: Turcotte, Raye [mailto:]
Sent: Friday, June 25, 2004 2:18 PM
To:
Subject: RE: :-( 

He told me about calling you.  You guys love each other so much.  It is a darn shame you can’t get along.  I wish both of you could just love one another without hurting yourselves over misunderstandings.  

1.         You should accept that he will always try to tell you what to do because he is your dad.

2.         He should accept that you will not do what he tells you unless you think it is right for you. 

That should be the end of whatever the conflict might be.  You should just listen [lovingly] and he should just accept what you do.  But you can’t and he can’t. 

So here I sit, watching a father and a daughter who can’t manage being a father and a daughter – or even being friends.  It makes me very sad. 

Love you, Raye


From: Gina L. Turcotte [mailto:]
Sent: Friday, June 25, 2004 12:20 PM
To: Turcotte, Raye
Subject: RE: :-( 

Dad called me a little while ago. He wanted to come over and talk but he didn’t get a very warm reception from me. Actually, it was quite abrasive. I am very angry with him and the way he treats me and I don’t have a clue what to do about him. I want to tell him and you how my NY trip went but I need to not care about his opinion in order to do that. I don’t know… 

He just doesn’t understand that he treats me in such a way that makes me not want him around. When is he ever going to learn? Maybe never… 

I’m sure I’ll fill you both in given some time but right now is not the time. 

Love, 

Gina 

-----Original Message-----
From: Turcotte, Raye [mailto:]
Sent: Friday, June 25, 2004 9:08 AM
To:
Subject: RE: :-( 

That’s okay honey – I understand and would rather you didn’t tell me anything that couldn’t share with him.  That way I don’t have to worry about saying the wrong thing.  I hope it was all that you hoped it would be.

Love, Raye

_____________________________________________
From: Gina L. Turcotte [mailto:]
Sent: Thursday, June 24, 2004 6:38 PM
To: Turcotte, Raye
Subject: :-(

Would love to tell you about my trip but if I do that I have to expect that Dad will find out and I feel he doesn’t have the right to know about my life at this point. If he chooses to be disrespectful, passive-aggressive and bullying then I choose not to share my life with him. Unfortunately, because I feel this way, that means that I can’t share any information with you because I know it will find its way back to Dad. Sorry…  L

Love, 

Gina

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